Breakdown

Sometimes I wonder when the grieving process will end. When will it stop hurting, when will I feel normal...."..And then I realize that it's stuck to me for the rest of my life. I tell myself "you should be OVER it" by now but I don't think you truly get OVER something like this. The LOSS of a child is extremely dramatic. & yes NeeSee is still with us daily. So for that reason most people don't get it. But it's more than that. It's me missing playing with barbies, her asking me mom please buy me this. Mommy I want that. What I wouldn't give for her to throw a tantrum bc I wouldn't buy her something. Ether way.... It still is not what we expected. Recently I had a conversation with my aunt. She had lost both her sons within a yrs time. At the time her sons were my bestest friends. They were my cousins Lil Randy " Tito" and Isaias. My aunt shared with me her loss & it's effects. Even though I couldnt relate exactly, I could relate. She had lost children & I had lost a child. There's NO comfort for that. Period. The best we can do is talk to other parents who been thru the same thing, enlist the support of our spouses, & provide support for others & just live & move forward the best we can.

I really miss my cousins bc I could really use their advice sometimes, I miss the daughter I was supposed to have bc I love to play barbies with her, but most of all I miss the vibrant me who used to be before I met with all the heartache. But you know what I really think all of this is gonna make me better somehow.

To my Tia,

No matter how hard it gets or how much you miss them. I know we will see them again. I hope you can find some peace somehow somewhere. Love you to pieces.

XoXo

Sometimes we START OVER

Having a special needs child is not the easiest thing. Nor is having a relationship with that specials needs kid, nor is a relationship with your significant other, a relationship with a friend, friends, a relationship with a career, a relationship with housecleaning, a relationship without worry, or even a relationship with sleep.

Sometimes keeping it together for ME anyway means falling apart & then starting ALL OVER. I am human & I accept that. There is only so much lack of sleep I can get, only so much of me I can give before I begin to give up on ME. I'm beginning to understand this process because it is a process of GRIEVING. My grieving usually happens behinds closed doors with my family. I hate to put so much burden on my husband. He truly is the greatest man. He leads this family despite how much control he thinks or I think I have bc it is my weak moments that he steps it up. I want him to know I'm so grateful & I couldn't be WHO I am without him.

But back to the starting over part. If you're starting over today know that we are starting over together. I'm starting over accepting the fact that my lil girl needs constant care & that I'm her BEST CHANCE. But really we are all our BEST CHANCE. If you have to start over today with your peace, with your faith, with your family, with the things that matter. Know that it's ok.

BEGIN AGAIN. It's what I do on the daily.

WE can start over together. You ready? Hit that restart button & lets do this! Love you ALL to pieces.

XoXO