Without Neesee

Last night as I laid in bed I began to think about life before Neesee. How did I ever manage without her??? I couldn't even imagine that ever again. I would fall to pieces without her little piece of the puzzle. She has taught me too much... patience... longing... gratefulness.... selflessness... selFISHness...unconditional love...just to name a few. Without her I would wake up in the morning not knowing what to do with myself today. Although having a child with special needs is very hard work...it is so important for me to do this. I NEED to do this! It took me a lil while for me get this and somedays I forget because I get lost but this experience always takes me back to the same place. I need Neesee. I need that lil girl just as much as she needs me. Some days if not more. I've alway been extremely independent. I had to learn that from a very young age...from things that I was put through...long story short my childhood was pretty rough, sometimes non-existant. I was taught that a lot of people are bad and I only had a handful of people I could trust. And sometimes I couldn't trust anyone at all. I became so independent that I didn't need anyone anymore...I didn't need anyone to hold me...anyone to take care of me...anyone to guide me...anyone to love me. I HATED everyone. Then came my husband and he taught me how to love. What a wonderful man..then came Neesee. Wow....what a beautiful lil girl. A blessing. Then her diagnosis...BANG! so again. I hated everyone...I blamed everyone...And for months I hid. but slowly I could hear Neesee's voice pulling me out. Days past, months past, and then came a year...now more days pass...

Recently I can hear her clearly... I hear her say "Mommy I love you"...."Look Mommy this is how you trust...see how I trust you"..."This is how you love unconditionally, see how you still love me even though I cannot walk" and "This is how you need others..it's okay to ask for help sometimes...I need YOU everyday..."I know I should be able to do these things but I cannot so I need you to do them for me, please hand me my toy" and "Mommy I know you are crying but I am crying too bc well my frustrations are more than you could ever understand...so please help me sit up"

It's those things that she says to me that keeps me going. That allows me to see that although I have my bad days I still pull through and we keep on going...stronger than the day before. That although life hasn't given us what we expected...we still have eachother. And most importantly that I need to quit blaming people, God, and myself. It's nobody's fault and it isn't even a fault.

Without Neesee I would not be who I am today.

Without Neesee the world around me would not look as good as it does today.

Without Neesee I'd see things exactly as other people see them.

Without Neesee I would be lost.

Without Neesee I really wouldn't be living.

And after laying there a lil bit longer...I couldn't help but to wander to her room...cover her with the covers...kiss her goodnight...tell her I love her...say "thank you"..........

bc without Neesee.....

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